Tripleshot Cycling

WILDLIFE
(from Cape Breton Velo newsletter)
Cyclists come in all shapes and sizes. Here's a guide to the menagerie:

Climber

Body type:lung on a stick
Distinguishing bike characteristic:single water bottle cage, no valve caps
If not a cyclist, would be:runner, supermodel or loincloth-wearing ascetic
Favorite conversation topics:weight in grams of cable end caps; long-forgotten taste of ice cream
In the peloton, likes to:hide

Sprinter
Body type:quads the size of beer kegs, elbows sharper than a stiletto, multiple road-rash scars
Distinguishing bike characteristic:11-tooth cog, shredded front-tire sidewall from sticking wheel into tight places such as others' cassettes
If not a cyclist, would be:street fighter
Favorite conversation topics:anything involving smack talk
In the peloton, likes to:yell at everyone to "Close that gap!" but never takes a pull

Time Trialist
Body type:flexible enough to join Chinese acrobat troupe
Distinguishing bike characteristic:aerodynamic frame, wheels, handlebar, water bottle, cable end caps
If not a cyclist, would be:computer programmer or engineer
Favorite conversation topics:drag coefficients, most recent visit to wind tunnel, slipperiness of skinsuit
In the peloton, likes to:get on the front and ride, dammit

Commuter
Body type:N/A
Distinguishing bike characteristic:grime
If not a cyclist, would be:NASCAR driver
Favorite conversation topics:carbon footprints, climate change, recyclability of objects not commonly known to be recyclable
In the peloton, likes to:ring handlebar bell


Ultradistance Rider
Body type:all of the above
Distinguishing bike characteristic:lights, handlebar bag and/or large seat bag, comfy saddle
If not a cyclist, would be:institutionalized
Favorite conversation topics:food, miles/kilometers ridden, food, extreme weather experiences, food
In the peloton, likes to:"Peloton?"

I think we have to add 'stage racer' to that for Pete and Dave. Anyone wanna take a stab?

Commuter. For sure.

Though as I don't have a bell, I tend to resort to whistling at times...

Since I'm an engineer, I guess my choice is made for me.
Although I would never turn down a chance to wear a loincloth.........

They're missing one. "retro grouch"

Body Type: Once was a racer plus a few pounds. Head says ‘Attack!’, legs say, ‘Maybe later’.
Distinguishing characteristics: Old bike. Badly out of date, lace-up shoes. But can re-tie them while riding.
If not a cyclist would be: Huh? Can’t remember.
Favourite conversation topics: Didja hear about that carbon frame that broke?
In the peloton: Always trying to get the hammer heads to ease up on the hills, to get them to pedal down the hills, and get the weaker riders to ‘stay on a wheel, dammit’.

Guilty.