-josh
Dear Sufferlandrian,
It is with great pleasure that we write you.
For some time, we've been following you as you showed great promise from a young age. We observed your rapid rise through the junior ranks in your village. We were there when you progressed and began winning in the U-23 races.
Yes, it was us - behind the scenes - who 'encouraged' the French to hire you into their amateur squad. And we were there when you took that dramatic stage win in the Tour of Switzerland. (We were also there negotiating with the police in the station after that arrest involving Ms. Sufferlandria, the Porsche, the night club and the box of hamsters. But let's not go into that right now. Let's just say that we're glad you got yo
ur life back together.)
And now - based on that victory in Switzerland - here we are. On the cusp of greatness. It's hard to believe, really, as we are a small nation. We are a poor nation. It has been a tough year for all Sufferlandrians. Hell, it's been tough since the cabbage famine of 1100 AD. But we have a courageous heart and this heart beats in you. And you use that heart to beat the hell out of other people on bikes.
Now, today - today, we look toward glory as we inform you that you have qualified for the UCI Road World Championships in Geelong, Australia.
You will put this country on the map - you will make the world stand up and take notice! You are the first Sufferlandrian ever to qualify for these Cycling World Championships. Come to think of it, you're the first Sufferlandrian to qualify for anything other than parole - so that's really quite good.
Now, you have no teammates. You will be there alone, against the greatest cyclists on the planet. You will crush them. The King has deemed it so, so it must be so. I'm sure you understand that it MUST be so.
You can rest assured that The Federation - and the entire government - is behind you*. We will be sending our civil servants into the villages to spread word of your inevitable victory to the peasants. They will be most pleased to hear of your success and they will feel proud to be a Sufferlandrian.**
Before you leave, we've arranged for a small tribute cyclocross race in your honour. And we've also managed to register you for a small criterium before the main events. Although we can't supply you with a time trial bike, a group of villagers had a bake sale and managed to secure some gear for you. They will send it later. By the way, a village madman said something about a time machine. He's crazy.
We wish you the best of luck. We especially hope you teach those Norwegians a lesson as we're really sick of them. They owe us, you know! They owe us! Anyway. We digress - let's not let the past get in the way of our glorious future. As we say in Sufferlandria "IWBMATTKYT."
Sincerely,
The Sufferlandrian Cycling Federation
Sufferlandrian Government Office
Sufferlandria 00001
* If you do not crush them, you do realise that we're not behind you. We could never get behind someone who didn't crush them. In that case, we'll be busy so don't bother calling. You will be visited by some gentlemen whom we suggest you cooperate with and do not resist.
** Unless you don't win. In which case you'll be lynched.
LOCAL HERO IS OUT! BUY IT NOW - USD $11.99 for 85 minutes (!) of World Championship action!
Workout Details
Local Hero was designed for sustained, high-power output with a minimum of rest. It'll work your strength, leg speed and recovery - and even your top end speed with a few big, world-championship style sprints. About halfway through, you'll wish it was over, but with a 85 minute video, halfway is still a long, long way to go.....Here's what you'll get:
5:00 warm-up, with cyclo-cross footage from Team Globalbike.org
3:00 of criterium racing (with accelerations)in Australia - featuring a couple of well known pros!
3 x 6:00 pyramids - with 2:00 rest between each pyramid
1:00 following Richie Porte at 7/10 effort
1:00 following David Millar at 7.5/10
2:00 following Fabian Cancellara at 8/10
1:00 following David Millar at 7.5/10
1:00 following Richie Porte at 7/10
5 x 3:00 road race laps with 2:00 rest between each lap. Now each lap has its own personality, with some flatland racing, climbing, jumps or breakaways. You'll have your chance to chase with Cadel Evans, attack with Philippe Gilbert and Vincenzo Nibali and sprint for the win against Thor Hushovd. Just so you know: unlike Fight Club, which also has 5 laps and features World Championship racing, Local Hero doesn't have attack after attack. There are some surges, but it's nothing you can't handle. As long as you can handle hanging on to the end of a pro peloton until the final sprint, that is! Each lap is done between 7.5 - 8/10, with cadences between 75 and 100.
1 x 2:00 SPRINT! Building up over 2:00, you're going to increase the speed as you come into the final straight in Geelong. After 75 minutes of racing, can you beat Hushovd? How does 10/10 sound to you?
Um....I'm not going to tell you what's next. You know how we are. There's always a twist. Let's just say that if you ever wished you could sprint against some of the biggest names in the sport for the Rainbow jersey, you're going to get your chance.
5:00 warm down featuring the oddly interesting Cycleball.