Important Cycling Terminology

[bisonesque]

Hi folks, following the experience on the Friday ride today it occurred to me that there are a number of people who have either forgotten, or never learned, some really important cycling terms. I thought it would be of assistance to share some commonly understood definitions and translations for the health and well-being of the entire club. Each of these terms, if understood broadly, could have resulted in a more enjoyable ride for all today.

- Group [ɡro͞op] - number of people or things that are located close together or are considered or classed together

- Group Ride – a number of individuals on bicycles riding in a group (see above)

- No Drop Ride – is a special form of group ride where, should the group stop meeting the definition of group, the faster members of the group will slow down until such time as the definition of group is re-attained

- Steady Up – (a term particular to a No Drop Ride) “Dear friends. Myself, or another member of the group, has found themselves to no longer be part of the group. Please slow down a bit so that they, or I, can rejoin the group.

- Steady Up (delivered in a louder voice) – “My apologies for being a pest, but you obviously did not hear when I previously said steady up. I must surmise this as you have not significantly decreased your speed. Please slow down as myself, or another rider, are still behind and are gassing ourselves trying to be part of the group again.”

- Steady the Fuck Up – “Yes, I get it, you are super strong and fast and find it incredibly difficult to ride any slower than myself, or the poor fuck dragging off the back. Next time you come out for a ride, please consider joining the faster group.”

- Car Back – “Apologies for the disturbance fellow riders, but I have just noticed that there is a car behind us. Even my minimal understanding of physics allows me to surmise that a collision between a rider and a car would not turn out in the rider’s favour. Also, my occasional scanning of social media posts about cycling lanes leads me to believe that many drivers hate cyclists, and this driver may not drive with the appropriate caution around the group. I would suggest we ride close to the right side of the road and leave a minimal space between yourself and the rider beside you.”

- Car Back (delivered in a louder voice) – “I am truly sorry for harassing you as you have clearly entered a deep state of zen-like trance based on your lack of response to my previous warning. I must let you know, though, that the previously mentioned car is still there, and the driver appears to be agitated. And, while I admit there is every chance that I am experiencing a delusion or optical illusion, it appears to me that you are all still taking up the entire lane that this car wants to access.”

- Fucking Car Back (really loud) – “Despite multiple warnings you all appear to be strewn about the lane like drunk toddlers. I can only surmise that you are indeed drunk, or you just don’t care. I am only yelling now so that I don’t bottle up these feelings in the hopes of avoiding long-term existential damage. Also, I would like to return home today without serious injury.”

- Car Passing – “Hello friends. I was about to yell car back, but realized that this car intends to pass by our group without hesitation. I would suggest that you act as if I said car back, but with more urgency.

- Hole (accompanied by hand gestures) – “Hello fellow riders, I have just noticed that, largely due to the unexpectedly cold winter, that there appears to be another large hole in this asphalt. If you are behind me in the group please pay attention to where I am pointing so that you can avoid said hole, and, possibly, risk getting two flat tires.”

- Slowing – “Hello fellow riders. I have just noticed something ahead that could cause one of us harm unless we reduce our overall speed momentarily. Given my level of concern for your well-being, I thought I would alert you. Do not worry about your Strava time though as I will alert you as soon as the danger has passed, and this is not the fucking Giro.”

- Stopping – “Dear friends. I have noticed an impediment ahead that requires our entire group to come to a halt. I know you may not see the same impediment and have a strong desire to rush ahead, but please trust that I am acting in your best interests. If you are not stopping out of concern that you should fall once you have stopped moving, fear not. Simply twist one of your feet slightly, and it shall be released from the pedal and you can place it on the ground.”

- Stop – As above with more urgency. So much urgency indeed, that one has no time to say “stopping” in full.

- Mechanical – “Hello good gentle-riders. It has come to my attention that one of the bicycles being used by a rider in our group is not functioning appropriately or has lost some of its pieces on the road. It would be wonderful if you would consider stopping carefully by the side of the road so that the rider of said bicycle could assess and remediate the current issue, and we could avoid some catastrophic collision. Even better, it would be fantastic if we could all ride back, in an orderly fashion, to ensure that our fellow participant in this group ride is safe and has what they need to address this issue.”

- Deer – “My fellow riders. It has come to my attention that there is at least one large, four legged, hairy mammal standing near the edge of the road upon which we are travelling. I understand that these mammals are ridiculously stupid and will sometimes move quickly towards danger. I know we are not so stupid, and, so, I thought I would alert you to it. Also, I have heard from other riders that not only are they stupid, but they are solid and unpleasant to collide with. I too watched Days of Thunder, and remember the pivotal moment when Cole Trickle gained the courage to actually drive faster when there was an unpredictable object in his path. However, I feel that such a strategy might not work as effectively here. I suggest we slow our pace and demonstrate caution so that none of us get totally fucked up today.

Alex

[John D]

+1

....but somewhat too verbose (and potty-mouthed) for consideration as "Post of the Year".

[Rolf]

Dear Management,

Please consider:

1. making this post sticky;
2. posting it here;
3. relaxing the rules, using "feck", "fecking", or just "!@#$"—and doing whatever else is required to shoehorn this in for PotY!

[bisonesque]

Apologies if I have broken forum rules on appropriate language. Given my Scottish heritage, I view most curse words as effective punctuation.

Alex

[Paul C.]

This is priceless Alex. I have a feeling you are not trying to be funny??
And it probably is appropriate for some things that happened this a.m. I wasnt there.

A slightly edited version of this post PLUS..."The Rules" - 50 rules to be a true roadie( just google it) should be mandatory reading for all new and I guess a few older Tripleshot members.

[AJ Neale]

Too verbose?! He didn't even cover: "Rider up!", "Glass!" or, of course, "Peacock!".

Alex, this is excellent and should be required reading for anybody wanting to become a member. I enjoyed every word, even (especially?) the naughty ones.....emphasis is good when warranted.

I would ask for an actual ride report but I am somewhat fearful. You were smiling at coffee but then you are always smiling .... or making us smile.

Andrew

[Robgrant]

+1 for POtY
The days of Thunder reference was sublime.
Certainly a more enjoyable read than the Toronto Morning Glory Cycling Club rules and etiquette:
http://www.mgridetoronto.com/uploads/6/ ... ual-05.pdf
Rob

[Paul C.]

Do also check out
The Rules....online or in book stores.
50 rules for roadies about kit....bike fashion....being cool and some group riding suggestions.
Mark Ford recieved the book for his 75th birthday and he estimates he's broken about 47 of the fashion and coolness tips.

But he does have a Tripleshot, baby-blue, Argyll bow tie!

[Alan]

+2 for POtY

The post is at my house. The only challenge for Post of the Year will be in determining what gets put on the plaque, i.e. which piece of Scottish-tinted brilliance to include.
My fave is this definition:
- Slowing – “Hello fellow riders.... Do not worry about your Strava time though as I will alert you as soon as the danger has passed, and this is not the fucking Giro.”

[John D]

As I clarified to Alex before yesterday's Sunday ride, when I described his missive as being too verbose and potty mouthed for the Post of the Year, I was referring specifically to that big wooden post on which we mount an engraved plaque with each year's POTY. At 1114 words, that'd be quite a large plaque.

As for the potty-mouthed part, I'm OK with salty language on the Forum (within reason). Given my track record of dropping F-bombs in my 8:30am lectures it'd be pretty hypocritical of me say otherwise.